by Angie Blevins
Unfortunately apologizing seems to be my middle name because of my constant inconsistencies; I say a lot of apologies and I mean a lot! As a suicide attempt survivor with Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s extremely hard keeping commitments most of the time so I apologize a lot. It makes me look flakey as if I don’t care, but that is completely untrue.
I spend a lot of my time apologizing for my inconsistencies. I feel like I go on apology “tours” because when I don’t show up or miss an event or don’t keep my word, I have to constantly apologize to all the people I hurt or affect unknowingly and unintentionally.
I wish people could see my heart and not my disorder.
I’ve battled with Borderline Personality Disorder most of my life, and I have been very inconsistent most of my life, as well. For me, this disorder and inconsistency go hand in hand.
I constantly miss doctor’s appointments and don’t show up at friends’ get-togethers. Listen, it is all unintentional and it leaves me feeling like absolute crap. I feel like so many people don’t understand this part of my mental illness. It’s a daily struggle. And I can only take it day by day and sometimes moment by moment honestly.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is very difficult, but I am learning new skills every day about how to cope with it. I am committed to my recovery, though, and I am committed to learning to be consistent and making better decisions for myself. I am committed to being the best version of myself that I can be. I am working really hard on my recovery and I have hope again for the first time in a really long time.
I have hope that one day I can live a fulfilling life where I can be more in control of my triggers and emotions instead of them controlling me. I never let Borderline Personality Disorder define who I am as a human being; I am so much more than my mental illness, I am so much more than my suicide attempts. I am a survivor and I am a fighter and I will overcome my inconsistencies and I will one day thrive over my mental illness.
